I Got It from a Toilet Seat! Honest! No, you did not. And quit blaming the toilet seat.

I've never known anyone who admitted to "catching" some dread disease from a toilet seat. However, I have met plenty of people who think that the lowly toilet seat is the world's repository of all manner of sexually-transmitted-diseases (STDs), bacteria, fungi, viruses, and, well, just anything else that can eff up a good day.

I have one son in particular who seems quite proud of the fortress (his word) he constructs between his precious butt, and the evil and unhealthy forces waiting for it on the toilet seat. He uses a half roll of paper before he even sits. Squirming all the while, hurrying, so he can get down to business. If he really wanted to keep other butts off the seat he should replace it with one of these.

Now I have read that certain organisms can live on surfaces other than our bodies. Some live for seconds, some live for hours - depending on the story. Some harmful bacteria probably are on the toilet seat, but no STDs live on them (so I've read). If STDs lived on toilet seats and were dependent upon a fresh butt sitting on them for mobility and eventual motility, then they would be called TTDs.

One of the best defenses against toilet seat critters is our skin...our unbroken, healthy skin. But, if you have scratches, sores, or any open wounds on your bottom, by all means keep them covered as these kinds of openings do invite invasion that you could truly say you got from a toilet seat.

Having lived for more than a half century, and once being a European traveler of sorts, I have used toilets - actually sat on toilet seats - in places from Little Rock to Luxembourg, Memphis to Munich, Benton to Berlin, Amsterdam to Zurich, and dozens of other places. I have yet to be able to honestly claim that, 'I got it from a toilet seat'. If I had any luck at all the only thing I ever got was relief. Mind you, I have papered the seat first, if there was enough paper for after, just so I could keep the bigger chunks off my bottom. But other times have simply been 'commando'. The undeniably worst thing I ever saw lurking on a toilet seat was the thing to the left...

Once, just outside Paris, France, I pulled into a gas station to do my duty only to find that there would be no sitting. Standing Room Only. This was the only place I ever saw one of these, although I'm sure I just missed the others.

The more important question than what is lurking on a toilet seat is, how dirty are your shoes? Pretty damn dirty it turns out. Think about it. You walk through all kinds of yuck, in and out of restrooms, clinics and hospitals, your workplace, where the dog did his duty...and then walk into your home. Your shoes have enough filth on them to make a toilet seat cringe. And you're worried about the crapper? The crap's on your shoes...and everywhere else...all the time. Just click the link above and see what ABC News found.

One last thing on this. WASH YOUR HANDS, OPEN THE DOOR WITH THE DRYING TOWEL, YOUR HANDKERCHIEF, OR YOUR SHOE (see, your SHOE again).

Is There ANYTHING To Help My Sanity?

HELP! I need somebody. HELP! Not just anybody. HELP!

I Need A New Drug!

...Am I Stepping Into the Twilight Zone...

I Go Crazy, Crazy, Crazy...

Imaginary Lover

I Need a Lover That Won't Drive Me Crazy

uh huh, uh huh, uh huh

If there were, say, five things that could help save my sanity, I'd be crazy not to try them.

Obituary of the Late Mr. Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain

Why the early bird gets the worm

Life isn't always fair

Maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies: Don't spend more than you can earn.

And reliable strategies: - Adults, not children, are in charge

His health began to deteriorate when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when it became punishable for you to defend yourself from a burglar in your own home but the burglar could sue you for assault. He began to lose ground rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his Daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Top Ten Irritating Phrases (only ten?)

A top ten of irritating phrases has been compiled by researchers at Oxford University. According to an article by Telegraph.co.UK (Charlotte Bailey), heading the list was the expression 'at the end of the day', which was followed in second place by the phrase 'fairly unique'. The tautological statement 'I personally' made third place.

Hmm. T-A-U-T-O-L-O-G-I-C-A-L. I don't even know what that word means, and for pleasure and entertainment I read The American Heritage Dictionary Second College Edition. I mean, you know, I don't know the meaning of the word. Like, what's it mean? Let's look it up sometime.

Ironically, the article also mentioned the irritating buggers 'literally' and 'ironically', when used out of context. Yeah, they literally bug me, too.

And I hear them being used incorrectly 24/7. I personally find their use, with all due respect to those who use them, absolutely a nightmare because they shouldn’t of said it. The use of proper grammar is fairly unique, but it’s not rocket science. But, I’ll just bet that the same “research” in the U.S. would offer up a completely different list. I think I will add this research task to my Things to Do. So, with all that said here are Oxford U’s Top Ten, at this moment in time. Ahem.

The Top Ten, as chosen by our long-toothed brethren:

1 - At the end of the day

2 - Fairly unique

3 - I personally

4 - At this moment in time

5 - With all due respect

6 - Absolutely

7 - It's a nightmare

8 - Shouldn't of

9 - 24/7

10 - It's not rocket science

-#-

A Taste of Apple History

I never met a fruit I didn’t like. Unfortunately, many of my favorites are the high-sugar content fruits like orchard-fresh apples, plantation-picked pineapple and bananas, juicy grapes and cherries, and many more. Additional favorites include the so-called low carbohydrate fruits such as melons (except watermelons), all fresh berries, apricots, peaches, plums, and citrus. Whether the fruits in question are either high or low in fruit sugars seems to depend upon whose list I look at. Today I had the pleasure of sampling a taste of history; specifically an Arkansas Black Apple. I’d never even heard of this variety. A friend who knows I enjoy apples brought one for me from his dad’s private orchard in Russellville. It was not one bushel, not one bucket or bagful, just one apple. I appreciated his thoughtfulness just the same, though. Its appearance was not as handsome as the photo example, but it certainly was a good apple. Of course I immediately began researching. The Arkansas Black Apple is a special one, a favorite in the south, I read. Maybe so, but I will wager that not many southerners have heard of it. It is classed as a heritage variety, an heirloom in modern times. Mine was not a perfect esthetic specimen of the variety, but did have the notable very dark red to black skin with a nice coat of natural wax. The bloom end was, indeed, almost black. I have read that Arkansas Black was probably a seedling of Winesap discovered in Benton County, Arkansas around 1870. Apparently it is also known as Arkansas Black Twig, another name I’ve never heard. My most favorite apple is the well liked Golden Delicious with its honey sweetness and smooth texture. But, if I ever get the opportunity again, I won’t hesitate to step back in time to the heritage that is the Arkansas Black. -#-

Marines Credited With Rescue at California Motel Fire

No Better Friend. No Worse Enemy.

Today, November 10, 2008, we celebrate the birthday of the United States Marine Corps.

As Marines around the world celebrate, fight, die, share peace, change lives, train, and engage in a host of Honorable actions, I salute their efforts, honor their bravery, and thank them for their sacrifices. I ask all freedom loving people to do the same. Everyday.

Today's USMC birthday witnessed another heroic Marine action, in California.

Lt. Col. Oliver North & President-Elect Obama

TO PROTECT AND DEFEND

If you have read my Profile you know that Lt. Col. Oliver North is one of my heroes. If you love and care about this country, please read his recent commentary here.

Bad Cyst Part 2 - Scroll Down for Part 1

During the same afternoon as the stitch removal the wound began to ooze blood. The cadre was beginning its mission. I felt the wetness while working at my PC. Damn! I didn’t expect more trouble from this thing. Of course, I was not in control. Asking a co-worker who wouldn’t faint at the sight of blood to check it out for me, she said that my undershirt was bloody. Damn! I called Dr. Jim’s office and was told to go back to the office for inspection. I didn’t even stop for my helmet or gas mask, which, as it turned out were not needed anyway. A different nurse, Judy, removed the bandage and verified that the war was not over. Damn! She must have seen one of the cadre poking its head out. She left the exam room and returned moments later with Dr. Jim in tow. He verified that we were still at war…with a twist. As I understood it, the original surgery had left a pocket of the enemy (blood) and it had somewhat coagulated into a quagmire. All would have to be routed and dispensed with. Damn! Dr. Jim and Judy (who was very good at her mission) got to work while I worked maintaining the best silence I could. Skilled fingers began the rout, expressing cadre members from their hiding places. Expertly guided missiles of Novocain or similar found their targets. One did, however, go off course. I wish it hadn’t. Dr. Jim was pushing, squeezing, expressing the enemy, using the tools of the cyst warfare trade. Damn! that hurt! Dr. Jim was pretty certain it hurt when I groaned and answered in the affirmative when he asked. More missiles I think. Good. Let the battle continue. Finally they were done and Dr. Jim apologized left and right for my inconvenience. No need to, unless he with on their side, but I don’t think so. Then the BDA; Battle Damage Assessment. “I’m sorry, but I’ll have to suture the wound again” Dr. Jim said. Things happen this way sometimes. It’s just a part of the fog of war. Targets are hit. Targets are missed. Redirects are redirected. Have at it. Dr. Jim finished in a timely manner and said that he had to put in a small drain. Just in case any of the cadre wanted to escape on their own. And just in case they had reinforcements, I began a course of Cipro antibiotic. Overnight there was a bit more escaping, but I was already scheduled to go into the office to have the drain addressed. To my surprise and utter delight, Dr. Jim personally took care of it and told me to return the next morning. I will probably have more BDA after that mission. - # -